Goodbye

This week, Ohio lost a great mind and a great friend. No, not to death. To something good. Our own Jonathan Huston is moving to Buffalo, New York to begin his graduate studies in counseling psychology. I wish him well and I hope all of you do too. Someday, Jon will be aiding those who are afflicted with diseases of the mind. Jon, I wish you all of the luck in the world. 

Group Therapy: Trepidations and Triumphs

Hey guys! We’re not extinct! Just very, very busy with life. First off, I would like to congratulate Deafening Noise’s own Jon Huston for getting accepted into grad school! Jon’s pursuing a career as a counselor, a career that will let him help people that are dealing with problems that we all deal with. I’m very proud of Jon for pursuing what he loves and using his intellect to help people.

Second off, I started group therapy today. My counselor emailed me with this opportunity earlier this month. I’ve had no previous experience with group counseling sessions, so I jumped on the chance to try something new that might help. After today, I was extremely glad I did.

As someone suffering from social anxiety, I was skeptical at first. When I stepped into the room filled with foreign faces, I tensed up. It was difficult to share my experiences with people whom I’ve never met. The first round was introductions. When it was my turn to speak, I told the minimum. After rounds of introductions and icebreakers, we began to share our experiences. After everyone else opened up, I felt comfortable enough to. I felt a catharsis as everyone sympathized with me and was able to relate to what I was talking about. I felt a strong sense of community with these people whom I’ve known for little under an hour.

For those of you thinking about doing some sort of group therapy, I say go for it. From my experiences, I have nothing but positive things to say. If it’s not your thing, it’s not your thing. I know my group leader understands it’s not for everyone, so I’m assuming it’s generally the same. They won’t be insulted if you decide to leave. I recommend trying it. It was great for me, and it could end up being great for you as well.

– Ryan

The Bargain of Anti-Depressants

First and foremost, I begin this post with some very important qualifiers: I am in no way an expert in the mechanism of action and science of antidepressants. Truthfully, most psychologists (PhDs) are not, and even psychiatrists (MDs with a specialization in mental health) and family practitioners are not. Anyone who is able to prescribe medication will have taken classes in psychopharmacology, but it is unlikely that they could get into an in-depth discussion with you about how and why such medications work. This is not a slight to them: the drugs are incredibly complex, and the scientific community is still deeply involved in determining how they work, and how to make them better. There are of course exceptions, but those prescribing anti-depressants do not do not do so lightly: they know the risks, and most helping professions require ongoing education to stay up to date on the scientific literature related to the field. The lesson, as always: Talk to your doctor. They are there to help you and know way more than you do about most topics. I will do my best to draw on my own experience and research only, and not overstep my bounds.

 

It started for me during my senior year of high school (2008-2009). I was always an introverted, serious kid prone to perfectionism and a habit of staying up late and sleeping in, but it began to escalate as the year went on. To this day, I don’t know what exactly triggered the panic attacks and insomnia. I have a wonderful family who, while certainly well below anyone’s  definition of “wealthy” or even upper-middle-class,” was never wanting for any necessities. I  was successful in school, picking up a 32 on the ACT in my only attempt at age 15, and set to graduate as valedictorian in the spring 10 days after I turned 17. I had wonderful friends. I will never forget my best friend sitting next to me in AP Bio as I had a panic attack in the middle of lecture. She held my hand and kept me calm as it passed. No one else even noticed. Such a simple gesture, but one that will always stick with me. In sum, I was the very picture of White middle-class midwestern America, no reason to be depressed.

But I was (and continue to be, i suppose, if you’re of the opinion that Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety aren’t necessarily things that are ever “cured) and it became too much to handle. Not getting to sleep until 1:00 or 2:00 became night after night of not being able to sleep until 5:00 or 6:00, even though my alarm went off for school at 6:30. It was incredibly isolating. There’s no one to help at 5:00 AM, just you and your thoughts. Insomnia breaks you down. One all-nighter is ok, but several in a week, week after week, month after month will absolutely destroy you. Eventually I gave in, and sought help; the same friend who sat with me in AP Bio sat beside me as I told my parents. My mom had been dealing with similar issues for years, something I noticed only because I saw her Zoloft prescription sitting on the counter, and her and my dad were very supportive. An appointment was made with our family physician, and my journey with antidepressants began.

My first experience was with the Selective Serotonin Re-Uptake Inhibitor (SSRI) Paxil. To this point, I was clueless about SSRIs, and it was a bit of a blow to hear that I wouldn’t see peak results from the treatment for up to 6 weeks. I had spent a year in abject misery, only to be told that I’d have to just wait another month or so. Finding out if the medication would even work could take 2 months. Everyone responds to anti-depressants differently, and finding the one that works for you can be a long process. Paxil seemed to help a little, but I felt lost in a haze. I had trouble remembering things that happened to me, I felt dizzy, and I still had trouble sleeping. I began to realize the bargain of anti-depressants: my depression and anxiety might improve, but it would be at the cost of serious side-effects and an arduous adaptation period.

At this point, I switched to a Serotonin-Norepinephrine Re-Uptake Inhibitor (SNRI) called Effexor. The difference was night and day. My panic attacks ceased within 3 weeks, and this time without the mental haze and memory problems of Paxil. It didn’t last, unfortunately. After a few months, I started to feel hazy and decided to take myself off of the drugs. Here, the other part of the anti-depressant bargain took over: ceasing a SSRI or SNRI is, to put it lightly, unpleasant. Generally known as SSRI Discontinuation Syndrome, the symptoms mimic detox, and can take up to a month to fully dissipate. Unbeknownst to me, Effexor had been building up a reputation as one of the worst to come off of, a reputation that was all too justified in my case. There were days where my hands were shaking so hard that I could not take notes in class. Other days, my skin would go numb or tingle across my whole body. I consistently had little to know energy, and any movement exacerbated often severe headaches. The worst, was what have become known as “brain zaps.”  They’re impossible to describe to anyone who has not experienced them, but here’s my best try: It was like an electrical charge would begin building up in my brain, causing intense pain and dizziness before rattling out through the top of my skull over a period of about 5-10 seconds. Horrifying.

And so I went back on Effexor, this time at half the original dosage. After a 2 year process, I found my sweet spot. I finally have relief (for the most part) from my panic attacks and depressive episodes without any drastic change to my personality or cognitive abilities. That’s not to say it hasn’t been without tradeoffs. Every so often, sometimes once every two or three weeks, sometimes more often, there will be a period of about two hours where my eyes go blurry and my field of vision is severely compromised. Additionally, the half-life of Effexor is short enough being even an hour or two late in taking a dose will bring on the start of withdrawal symptoms -mild at first, but escalating quickly to peak horribleness by two or three days. That’s a deal I’m willing to make, however. I’m in a good place. I graduated Summa Cum Laude in December, and I’m heading off to grad school in August to be a counselor. Effexor has made a drastic an undeniable change in my life,  and one that was much needed.

I’ll do my best to put up a post tomorrow with some more general information about anti-depressants. Until then, thank you for reading.

To This Day Project

An artist by the name of Shane Koyczan put out this video the other day, and it came to Ryan’s and my attention. Check it out, and follow the link on over to his website and to http://www.tothisdayproject.com to learn more about his work. Enjoy

 

More Than a Pointless Piece of Rubber

To some of you, this may seem like a piece of rubber with some staples in it. You may be questioning why I care enough to wear it around with staples in it. This piece of rubber means more to me than any other possession I own. This wristband was given to me by my best friend a couple of years ago. She means the world to me, and this wristband lets me carry a part of her around with me wherever I go. I’ve worn this wristband every day for those past few years, both representing my friendship with her and an organization that has changed my life. To Write Love On Her Arms is a non-profit organization dedicated to presenting hope to those who suffer from mental disabilities and addiction. This organization has shown me that I’m not in this struggle alone. There are others that feel how I do, and we as a community can come together to overcome these struggles. In many ways, this wristband is a symbol. It’s been broken, as I have been and how others have felt. But it’s not broken forever. With the help of my another good friend of mine, we fixed this wristband. With the help of the friends around me, I can fix my life. This is not an insignificant piece of rubber. This is a symbol of friendship, emotional fortitude, and the ability to overcome any obstacles life may throw your way. I can do it, this wristband can do it, you can do it.

What is this world coming to?

This is the same thing I posted on facebook, but I feel like it should have been blogged about. 

Throughout my life, I’ve always heard of the corruption and hostility of the media. I’ve never took this to heart because it’s never affected me. But throughout the past few months, it’s been hitting home more and more for me. I’ve learned that this negative stigma towards mental health can be attributed to the media. Ever since the Sandy Hook shooting, the media has been propagating a negative view on mental illnesses. This is no longer a matter of getting help for mental illnesses, this is a total belittling of those suffering with mental diseases. This epiphany occurred when I was reading about Chris Dorner. If you don’t know who he is, he was an ex-LAPD who shot 5 LAPD officers as a means of rebellion. While reading an article, I came across a quote that shocked me. “In reality Dorner was probably suffering from mental illness…” This quote was copy/pasted DIRECTLY from said article. There was no evidence or support. He was PROBABLY suffering from mental illnesses. This makes me nervous about the future of mental health. Can I not raise awareness for those who need it without sounding like a deranged killer? Will I not be able to come out about my own issues without people fearing for their lives? Thank you, media, for turning me into someone that I’m not.

Sincerely,
Ryan Gates
-MDD
-Anxiety
-Total Number of Murders: 0

 

A Day In The Life

As a supplement to Jon’s newest post, I’m going to go through a day in my life with my mental disorders (anxiety and MDD). The difference between our posts is that Jon has studied the mind, so he knows what he’s talking about. I, on the other hand, am not very familiar with the medical aspects. I’m just going recount my daily life in hopes that people can relate and see that nobody is suffering through this alone. I’m going to be divulging some parts of my life and mind that I don’t usually share, so this should be fun. I also apologize in advance for the scatterbrained nature of this post. I’ve been writing analytical papers all week and I need to veer away from structure for a bit.

Every morning, I wake up and go to a class full of about 30-40 people that I have never met and have no intentions of talking to. For those of you who have any form of anxiety, mine manifests itself as social anxiety, you know that situations like these are synonymous to Hell. I walk in to the classroom, quickly make my way to the back corner, open my laptop, and participate in as little class-wide discussion as possible. Just the other day, the professor of that class spoke two of the most frightening words that my anxiety-riddled mind could think of; “Group Project.” Imagine this, if you will. Being thrown head-first into a group of people I’ve never met. A group of people I probably won’t talk to after this project. As you may be able to infer, this is an awful way to start the day. Once my anxiety kicks in, there’s no getting rid of it. This continues even after class, when I’m surrounded by people I do know. I’ll usually make a beeline for my room, close the door, and put on my headphones. I became a total recluse. If I’m lucky, my heavy anxiety episodes will be the only thing that happens in my  mind that day. But generally there’s more.

After classes is usually when my MDD and anger-issues kick in. My mind becomes chaotic. I usually try to calm it down with music, but usually to no avail. I’ll end up resorting to the mind-numbing worlds of Twitter, Facebook, and 4chan as attempts to distract myself from these thoughts that I cannot escape. Thoughts of hopelessness, worthlessness, and darkness usually invade my head. I can’t think, I can’t keep focus. Anhedonia usually takes over at this point. If you don’t know what anhedonia is/didn’t read Jon’s last post., I’ll explain. Anhedonia is the inability to obtain enjoyment from activities that you normally find enjoyable. My nights consist of sitting in my prison-like dorm, listening to music. I’m a huge gamer, but I can’t find enjoyment from video games anymore. I never feel the desire  to play guitar. I never feel the desire to make conversation unless it’s with my roommate or my girlfriend.

Now, enter night. Night is my absolute least favorite part of every day. As the sky gets darker, so does my mood. On some nights, I sit in my chair and become a shut-in. Other nights, I completely break down and cry. There was a point where I couldn’t sleep without driving something sharp and metal into my arm. Thankfully, I’ve recovered from that stage. But there are nights where my head is a mess and I stay awake, staring at the ceiling. I’ve tried sleeping pills, but they always make me feel like a zombie in the morning. When I do finally get to sleep, it’s never a restful one. After a night of restlessness, I wake up and start this routine again.

Yes, there are things that brighten up my day. Things that make waking up worthwhile. It took a while to find these things, but they’re what help me fight on in hopes of a better tomorrow. I’ve found my muses, my inspirations. You can too. Just know that you’re never alone in your struggle. No matter how bad you have it, someone knows your pain.

I’m actively attempting to make my life a little brighter. I’m seeing a therapist. I’m taking Zoloft. I make music to get my mind off of things. If I can do this, everyone can. It may take longer, but you can do this.

I appreciate you reading my musings and taking time to dive into my head. Thank you.

Living in Grey

Well then. Sorry for the slacking off, but it’s been a bit of a hectic start to the year, with Ryan heading back to school while I find myself out of school for the first time since I was 5, sick, and more than a little anxious about life. Hopefully as I recover, find a job, and fall into some semblance of a routine, I will be able to provide content on a more frequent basis as Ryan and I both continue to work finding a direction to take the blog in.

Regardless! I’ll preface this by saying that I’m not entirely sure what this post is meant to be. If nothing else, I hope I can make explicit what many with anxiety disorders and depression -and on some level, anyone with any degree of self-awareness- struggles with internally. I’ve been musing on this general idea for a few days, and just wanted to kind of share my experience and knowledge. It’s always helpful when you’re struggling with something have a moment of “Hey, I’m not alone in feeling this way. There’s a name for what I’m going through, and it’s totally normal.”

There are 3 different ways I conceptualized “grey” when deciding what to write:

1. The inherent ambiguity and uncertainty in life (as in living in a world that is never Black and White).

2. Trying to determine parts of my experience are real (although I suppose that isn’t the right word) and which are a result of my mental illness.

3. Anhedonia (A dulling or greying of my experience).

 

The first point is not particularly interesting or unique to my experience, so we’ll ignore if for the sake of brevity. The second point and third points are, of course, intertwined, as anhedonia is a symptom of my mental illness. For the uninitiated, the DSM-IV-TR (psychology’s diagnostic guide) defines anhedonia as “diminished interest or pleasure in response  to stimuli that were previously perceived as rewarding during  pre-morbid state, and is one of two required criteria for a diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder. Anhedonia is also seen in several other disorders including mood disorders, schizoaffective disorder, schizoid personality disorder and schizophrenia. In less clinical language, I can describe it as a feeling of emptiness. Beyond just not feeling pleasure, I often feel little to no motivation to even make the effort to do activities that generally bring me happiness. It’s like being emotionally color blind; there is a vibrant world of people, activities, and experiences that I love and enjoy, but everything seems to me to be dull, grey, and uninteresting. I cannot tell you how many days I have spent obsessively checking the time on my phone, just hoping that it’s late enough for me to take my sleep meds and stop being conscious because I haven’t had a single positive feeling in hours. 

And this is where the second point comes in: I have to constantly ask myself if what I’m thinking, feeling, and experiencing is accurate or unduly influenced by my mental illness. I know, intellectually, that I have so many wonderful things in my life. In a way, this compounds my anxiety problems as “Why can’t I be happy? I have so much, why does it hurt this much?” run through my head incessantly. And it’s hard. It’s a struggle living with an enduring sense of doubt about your own experience. It’s difficult to live in that grey area, never sure what I’m feeling, and what my illness has caused me to think I’m experiencing.

This is why I think knowledge and bringing mental illness out of the shadows is so important. Just knowing that anhedonia is a known entity, that your experience has a name can be a liberating experience. Because of my study in psychology, I am aware of these things and it allows me to manage my life, even if the anxiety that comes with the self-doubt can at times be overwhelming. Knowing that the occasional drift into the dull grey of anhedonia is neither permanent, nor a personal defect helps keep me from lapsing into hopelessness. Unfortunately, for those suffering from mental illness in silence, they may not be aware of these things and are likely to blame themselves for their condition. Even for those who are diagnosed, it’s important to seek out more information. Many (and in the interests of full disclosure, this includes myself) are diagnosed and treated by general practitioners, who may not have the fullest understanding of mental health issues, and often only see their patients a few times a year at most. So if you are getting treatment but you’re still struggling, please know that it’s not your fault! Getting the right treatment plan, dosages etc takes a lot of time and effort, and you owe it to yourself to get the best possible care. As a hopeful therapist, I’m biased, but the best possible patient outcome comes from a combination of medication AND therapy, so if you’re able, seek that help. You’re not alone.

Obsession Part I

I apologize, guys. College is busy and I haven’t had much time to write anything. For those of you who still read this blog, Jon and I would like to thank you in helping us make this thing what we’d like it to be. You guys rule.

On to today’s music-related subject. I have a new musical obsession and that would be the amazing genre that is post-rock. Some of you may be asking, “Hm, I’ve never heard of that. Please explain this to us, Ryan!” Okay, okay. Since you asked politely, here goes. Post-rock is a genre of music that incorporates instruments used in all facets of rock (guitars, bass, drums, vocals, etc.,) but in unique ways. Instead of the guitars being heavy-hitting like they are in most rock, post-rock guitars can be described as “shimmering” and “ambient.” The guitars are usually heavily modulated with delay, chorus, tremolo, etc. These effects give the guitars a feeling of texture instead of something that stands out. In short, post-rock is kind of the ambient part of rock music. I’ve known about this genre for a while, but never got as in to it as I am now. Post-rock music makes me feel emotions that I’ve never felt through music. Some bands can take you on a journey through soundscapes, or through an introspective journey through emotional, well thought-out lyrics. While most post-rock is instrumental, there are some bands that add lyrics to the ambient instrumentals.

Example time. Through my adventures in post-rock, I became addicted to a band called Moving Mountains. Their EP “Foreword”  exemplifies post-rock. Each song is a different journey than the one before it. So many countless emotions are felt through their music. If I had to pick one track off of that EP to recommend, I’d recommend “Lights and Shapes.” The epic instrumentals paired with lyrics like “Slide to me/Your flesh against my own/Your skin against my bones” makes for an extremely unique and emotional music experience.

Some other amazing post-rock bands to check out would be Godspeed You! Black Emperor, Explosions in the Sky, The Evpatoria Report, pg.lost, and Russian Circles. There are so many other INSANELY good post-rock bands, but I don’t have enough time to list them off. If you like what you hear, let us know through comments or email and I’ll give you some more recommendations.

Thanks for reading, have fun with your ventures into post-rock!

Ryan’s Rage-induced Rant: An Alliterative Account

This blog makes my love of music very well-known, but my love of literature has stayed pretty hidden. Well, it’s not a secret now. I love literature. Before you start going on about how this blog is supposed to be about mental health and music, don’t worry. I promise I have a point.

My friend Jacklynn presented me with this article earlier today, which is the inspiration for this rant. To summarize, this article is about a few reporters/researches saying that the modern books that deal with death, suicide, or self-injury are psychologically damaging kids. This statement enraged me, but the most infuriating part was that it stated John Green’s (one of my favorite authors) book “The Fault in Our Stars” as being one of the worst offenders. If you’ve never read this book (you really should read it), I’ll give you an overview. TFiOS is about a girl who is dying of cancer. She meets another cancer patient at a support group and they both fall in love. This summary barely delves into the novel, so don’t pass it off as a typical teenage romance. It’s so much more. Both characters overcome their fear of cancer because of one another. They no longer let their disease dominate their life. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the theme or content of this novel.

The one thing that enraged me the MOST about this article is that they infer that these authors are using morbid subjects such as disease, suicide, and self-injury for monetary and popularity purposes. They compared these novels to the popularity of the sexual vampire novels*.  I know for a fact that writers would never trivialize tragic situations for sales. I can’t speak for every author, but I know that every single one of John Green’s books are meaningful to both him and his intended audience. Another book listed in this article is Jay Asher’s “Th1rteen R3asons Why.” I had the pleasure of reading this book earlier this year. This novel is about a teenage girl who commits suicide and leaves behind cassette tapes listing thirteen people as the reason why she committed suicide. The ending of this book has an amazing message that everyone should learn. At the end, (don’t worry this isn’t much of a spoiler considering the denouement occurs in the middle of the novel) the main character goes to talk to a girl he fears may have emotional problems. The message being that if you see someone struggling with something, you should always be a friend and help them out. You could save a life.

My last point is that this article stated that this “trend” of novels dealing with death and suicide began with the novel “The Lovely Bones.” Well, that’s just false. Any well read lit-nerd would know that death and suicide have been a major theme throughout the ages. Writers such as Emily Dickinson, Sylvia Plath, and Edgar Allen Poe have used the subject of death abundantly. Death in literature, even teen literature, is nothing new to our culture. These novels aren’t affecting the way readers think/act. If someone is willing to injure themselves, it’s not because of a book. It’s the fact that their is something wrong with them mentally, something that needs to be addressed. Instead of trying to take these books off of the shelves (censorship is bad, people), resources should be used to address kids struggling with mental problems.

This has been my rant. I’m signing off for now.

*I didn’t reference a specific series so I’m hoping for zero backlash.